If you Want to Succeed you Must be Prepared to Fail

“Choose a dojo.”

With these words, at the beginning of Chapter 1 of Step 4 of his bestselling book, The Game, Neil Strauss lets us into a little secret of the world of the Pick-Up Artist (or PUA) which none of the other writers on the subject will tell you.

If you’re not familiar by now with the principles outlined in this particular book then it is unlikely that you are a man between the ages of 14 and 34. If you are a woman between those ages then you have more than enough reason to familiarize yourself with them because if you don’t then you leave yourself exposed to having them used on you to get you into bed.

The principles or “methods” themselves are currently being sold for literally thousands of dollars at weekend boot camps around the world to horny young men who are attracted to the promise of getting to sleep with a girl with whom they would otherwise stand no chance. But there is a secret that they will not learn there…

The secret is not that the methods he is paying top dollar for do not work. They do. Just as there is an effective way of selling cheese (which convinces the prospect that there is a high probability that they will accrue the pleasure they desire for an appropriate investment of money) there is an effective way of selling oneself as a potential mate. And it works.

But just as the best way to win as much money in a poker game as possible is to play every single hand, so the best way to get a girl to go home with you is to ask as many as possible.

Actually, we must remember the principles of the calculated risk and Expectation theory. A professional poker player plays about 10-20% of hands and it is really after the decision to play that the real work begins. Playing every hand is a surefire way to win the most money – by giving yourself the chance to win the most pots. But it is also a surefire way to lose the most overall. The aim of poker, it should be remembered is not to win money but to make money.

In much the same way, the art of seduction as presented, clinically and rather misogynistically, in The Game is to pick your target (much like a poker hand) which gives you a positive Long Term Expectation and play it effectively. As with poker there are definitely ways of playing the game which are better than others, but by conceding that you can choose a dojo, Strauss is effectively saying that the method you adopt is not the most significant thing about your choice to become a PUA. What is significant is that – like a poker player – you have made a decision that in order to achieve your Long Term goal (in poker making rent at the end of the month, in seduction getting laid) you are prepared to fail in the short term.

It’s very difficult to get a figure as to the kind of percentage of Short Term failure you need to embrace from any of The Game’s many acolytes around the world. Most of them now have a large financial interest in convincing you that their method will incur you the least. In poker there are definitely different strategies: some people win 65% of hands they play but the pots are small, other people win 20% of hands played but the pots are large. Both strategies can make a profit. Both can make a Long Term loss. There are no magic bullets. Although, in general, it is perhaps unsurprising given what we know now that the players who play “fast” lose more than their fair share but make the biggest Long Term gains.

In the same way, the guys who are prepared to be shot down in flames at various points in any given evening in the bars and clubs of Los Angeles are the guys more likely to be walking home with the Victoria’s Secret model at the end of the evening – the perfect 10s as they’re called.

Actually, Timothy Ferriss makes a staggeringly elegant, but strikingly insightful, point in his book The 4 Hour Workweek which is that it is actually often easier to “close” a 10 than a 7 in situations such as these (I realise how horribly sexist all this is) precisely because everyone is chasing 7s while no one has the courage to even approach a 10.

In this way, while there will undoubtedly be setbacks and rejections, the people with the courage to bear these actually end up exploring an area which no one else is, and reap the attendant benefits and Long Term returns of doing so.